'The Power of Women', Dr Susan Nolen-Hoeksema

Rating: 7.5/10

Overall Thoughts

A book which truly celebrates women.  Suitable read for women of all ages, particularly those who are discovering themselves and seeking self-improvement.  Insightful, practical and inspiring; this book is the perfect reminder that every woman deserves to recognize and claim her many strengths so that she can capitalize on the power that is within her.

Summary of 'The Power of Women'

1. The Self-Help Revolution: What Women Do Right

• Women have mental strengths - they focus on getting things done, not just on doing things their way.  
• Women have identity strengths that allow them to maintain a strong sense of themselves and their values in whatever situations they find themselves.  They can deal with change and uncertainty, because their sense of themselves is not dependent on what they do or have, but who they are.  
• Women have emotional strengths - the ability to understand their own feelings and those of others, and to use this understanding to cope with distressing circumstances.  
• Women have relational strengths - understanding others' perspectives, which then helps women create strong social networks that support them during stressful times.  

2. Genius Redefined: Understanding Women's Mental Strengths

• Women find many pathways to accomplish their goals; they are neither conformist nor rigid.  They take whatever resources are at their disposal and use them to solve problems and create a fulfilling life.  
• Women are goal-oriented.  They work toward getting a job done, rather than getting their way.  
• Women tend to enlist other people's help, expertise and ingenuity rather than insisting on doing everything themselves.  
• Women never say never - they remain optimistic that obstacles can be overcome.  

3. Resilient Selves: Understanding Women's Identity Strengths

• Women exhibit a strong, stable sense of self that isn't dependent on the circumstances in which they find themselves.  Instead, women maintain a core sense of self, even when the external circumstances of their lives change drastically.  
• Women create identities based on social context rather than social status, connecting to others in ways that bring meaning to their lives, expand their knowledge base and perspectives, and foster a broad network of care in times of need.  
• Women build lives made of multiple roles.  They recognize the importance of balancing relationships and work  As a result, they find myriad avenues for self-expression and social support, making them less vulnerable when things go wrong in one part of their life.  

4. Emotions as Tools: Understanding Women's Emotional Strengths

• Women are excellent readers of others' emotions.  They tune in to how others are feeling and respond with care.  
• Women understand how they are feeling and what triggers their emotions.  They are aware of their moods and how they affect their behaviours and actions.  
• Women know how to express their emotions, choosing the right time to approach and assert to others how they are feeling.  
• Women are able to "hang in" during times of distress, giving others the room to express their emotions and then finding ways to turn those feelings into productive actions.  
• Women are experts at stepping back from upsetting situations, managing their emotional responses in order to pursue the outcome they want.  

5. Valuable Links: Understanding Women's Relational Strengths

• Women are able to deeply understand the perspective of others, their viewpoints, concerns and feelings.  As a result, they are able to respond emphatically to others, anticipate their needs and desires, and reveal a forgiving attitude toward those who have wronged them.  
• Women listen to others, letting them express their point of view, trying to hear and understand them instead of drowning out others with their own opinions.  
• Women are patient and tolerant, able to wait while others find a way to get where they want to be (or should be).  
• Women know when to put others' needs first, and are altruistic in understated as well as daring way.  

6. Building Your Personal Fitness Program

• Ask yourself 3 simple questions anytime you are not feeling strong: (1) When and where do I run into trouble? (2) What is my positive image for change? (3) What small steps can I take toward that change?
• Imagining a positive outcome to the change you want to make is a great motivator.  It's also important to make that positive outcome realistic.  

7. Cultivating Genius: Building Your Mental Strengths

• To overcome obstacles, break them down into their smaller parts then generate small actions you could take to overcome those small components of the obstacle.  
• If you are having trouble seeing ways to accomplish your goal, step back and ask yourself, "What's really important to me in this situation?"  
• Use the following questions to evaluate whether you are good at focusing on getting the job done even if you don't get your way, or you get stuck wanting people to see that your way is the best way: How easy or difficult was it for you to cooperate with others?  How easy was it to accept that your idea didn't get chosen?  How much conflict was there between you and the other people involved?  
• Commit yourself to being a person who builds other people's skills and builds cooperative teams rather than a person focused on getting her own way.  
• For those who don't ask for the help you need because you don't want to impose on others, do it anyway.  You need to force yourself to ask for help, first in small ways, then in increasingly large ways.  By doing so, you will discover that the consequences are not as terrible as you imagined.  
• As you think about a discouraging situation you face, imagine yourself behaving as if you are optimistic about the outcome.  Play through the scenario in as much detail as possible.  When you have a picture of yourself as the "optimistic you", answer the following questions: (1) How would you act?  What would you do first, then next, and so on?  Be as specific as possible.  (2) What choices would you make?  (3) Whom would you choose to interact with?  Is there anyone in your life you would avoid, perhaps because he or she is a source of discouragement?  (4) What would you tell yourself to remain optimistic?  

8. Multiplying Adaptability: Building Your Identity Strengths

• Women have a core sense of self that is stable but adaptable to various circumstances.  You need to uncover an independent core sense of self so that your identity is not left to the whims of external circumstances. 
• Women define themselves in relation to their social connections with other people that they don't have a separate identity outside those relationships.  By ensuring that your identity is defined by yourself rather than your loved ones, you will likely improve your relationship with them.  
• Women's identities are multifaceted, based on several roles rather than one fixed role.  Do you have intellectual, artistic or humanitarian interests that are not being expressed in any of your roles?  Are there new kinds or relationships you would like to have?  If you haven't pursued a role that appeals to you because you haven't felt you had the time, think about how you might be able to cut down on the things you are currently doing to open up the time you need.  

9. Sharpening Emotional Attunement: Building Your Emotional Strengths

• Learn to perceive others' feelings.  Women are expert at perceiving and tuning into other people's feelings.  
• Learn to understand your own emotions.  Women understand their own emotions and the sources of these emotions.  
• Learn to express your emotions.  Women know how and when to express their emotions.  By holding your emotions inside, you may cause the other person to misunderstand you or prevent him or her from knowing that a situation is edging to the point of distress.  When you do try to express your feelings, use assertive language.  If possible, tell the other person how you would like things to change.  
• Learn to tolerate distress.  Women can tolerate distress and are thus better equipped to alleviate it.  Accept that you are upset by the stressful situation and that this is a normal reaction to stress.  Now you must choose to deal with that distress rather than flee from it.  Finally, try to switch your focus from your body and its reactions to what is happening in your environment.  Often we get so consumed by our feelings and thoughts of distress that we become unaware of what other people are saying or what is going on.  
• Learn to manage your feelings.  Women excel at managing their feelings.    Get into the habit of asking yourself, when you are feeling upset, "how am I interpreting this situation?"  Then ask yourself, "what is another way of looking at this situation?"  Another powerful tool for managing your feelings is to learn to take a problem-solving approach.  If you can keep focused on solving the crisis rather than on how upsetting it is, you will be able to draw out people's creativity and cooperation to address the situation.  

10. Connecting More Effectively: Building Your Relational Strengths

• Learn to be emphatic.  People who are able to put aside their own perspective momentarily, who do not assume that others see things the way they do, are better able to anticipate and respond to others' needs and concerns.  Was he driven by some outside constraints that caused him to act has he did?  What goals might he have had that led him to act as he did?  Being able to to take another's perspective does not mean you have to allow that person to "win" or accept how the person has acted toward you.  Instead, it allows you to respond more consciously and effectively to that behaviour, for your own benefit.  
• Learn to listen to others.  Try to find out in what situations you tend to listen well and in what situations you don't listen well.  If you are constantly forcing your opinion or just talking over others, there can be negative consequences to your relationship with others, to their desire to listen to anything you say, and to their development of independence and confidence.  
• Learn to be patient.  Why are you always in such a hurry?  This is the question you should ask yourself if you find you are an impatient person.  If you simply want everything to be done faster than it tends to get done, then you need to check your own priorities and expectations.  
• Learn to put others first, when appropriate.  Ask yourself, is there anything I would like to be doing in my life right now that I'm not doing because I am putting others' needs first?  How much do I value my interests that I am giving up?  How much do I value what I am doing instead of pursuing my interests?  If these valuations are equal, or you value what you are doing even more than what you are giving up, your values appear to be in balance and you probably are appropriately putting others' needs first.  If it pains you greatly to think about what you are giving up relative to what you are getting in return, then you may be putting others' needs before your own to an unhealthy degree.  

11. Leading Like a Woman

• If you are not optimistic about your leadership abilities, start by identifying ways you are discouraging yourself with the thoughts that run in the back of your mind.  Then counter those thoughts by banishing them or generating alternatives to them.  
• Every woman has the right to choose not to be a leader, but no woman should feel she doesn't have the right to be a leader.  
• If a new role as leader is creating an imbalance in your life by taking up all your time and energy, evaluate which of your other roles you aren't willing to give up and make a concrete plan for creating more balance in your life.  If there is imbalance between how much you are putting your own needs first or others' needs first, reaffirm the values and goals that led you to this leadership position, and then make a plan for how you are going to balance those values and goals with others' needs.  
• Building your own emotional strengths to become a good leader primarily involves first tuning in.  You can tune in to the emotions that others are expressing by being quiet and attentive more often, and learn the links between subtle cues such as facial expressions and body postures and the emotions they convey.  You can tune into your own emotions by keeping track of the thoughts that run behind them.  This will give you a better understanding of why you overreact or underreact in certain situations.  
• You need to make choices about how you are going to respond to the emotions of others and your own emotions.  Learning assertive ways of expressing your emotions and responding to the emotions of others builds honesty and trust in organizations.  Developing new strategies for managing when you are upset makes you feel more in control in any situation in life, including leadership situations.  

12. Parenting Like a Woman

• By being emotionally expressive, tuning into their children's emotions and channeling these emotions in appropriate ways, mothers help their children grow to be emotionally intelligent themselves.  
• When children see their parents making positive changes in themselves by improving their mental, identity, emotional and relational strengths, children can be inspired to make positive changes as well.  

13. Loving Like a Woman

• We're more likely to bring out our partners best self, his ideal form, if we have a vision of his best self that corresponds to his vision for himself.  
• Too often when we want to change our relationships, we focus only on what's wrong with them, specifically what is wrong with the other person.  We think that by complaining about his or her behaviour, or punishing it in some way, we will stop it.  But most often our complaining and hostility only creates resistance and resentment.  We are much more likely to change our relationships, and bring our the best in our partners, if we commit to using and improving our mental, identity, emotional, and relational strengths to change our own behaviour in the relationship.  

14. Aging Like a Woman

• Women's many strengths are the reason they can go through many hardships and tragedies that aging can bring, and not only maintain a positive sense of themselves and their lives, but often grow and blossom as a result of the experience.