'How to Win Friends and Influence People', Dale Carnegie

Rating: 7/10

Overall Thoughts

This book is not just for socially awkward individuals.  The content of this book is aimed at helping  readers increase skills in human relations by changing our perception towards the people around us, whilst teaching us how to see and judge others.  'How to Win Friends and Influence People' is packed with advice that has carried numerous famous and successful people throughout history up the ladder of success in their personal and business lives.

While this book is well-researched and documented, some of the advice/tactics may come across as too manipulative to be applied ethically.  Majority of the examples and stories included in the book are essentially illustrating how to apply these advice/tactics for financial and political gain, instead of teaching us to become better human beings and foster real friendships with others.  In that sense, I personally think that religiously following these advice/tactics may possibly do more harm than good in the long run.

Summary of 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'

Part One: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

Principle 1: Don't criticize, condemn or complain 

• By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.  
• When dealing with people, remember we are not dealing with creative creatures of logic.  We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.  
• Instead of condemning people, let's try to understand them.  Lets try to figure out why they do what they do.  That's a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.  

Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation

• Appreciation is sincere whilst flattery is insincere.  One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out.  One is unselfish; the other selfish.  One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.  
• In the long run, flattery will do you more harm than good.  Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else.  

Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want

• Before you want to persuade somebody to do something, pause and ask yourself: "How can I make this person want to do it?"  
• If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own.  

Part Two: Six Ways to Make People Like You

Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people

• If we want to make friends, let's put ourselves out to do things for other people - things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.  
• If you want others to like you, if you want to develop real friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you help yourself, keep this principle in mind.  

Principle 2: Smile

• Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, "I like you.  You make me happy.  I am glad to see you."  
• Everybody in the world is seeking happiness - and there is one sure way to find it.  That is by controlling your thoughts.  Happiness doesn't depend on outward conditions.  It depends on inward conditions.  It isn't what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy.  It is what you think about it.  

Principle 3: Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language

• Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment.  But forget it or misspell it, and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.  

Principle 4: Be a good listener, encourage others to talk about themselves

• People who talk about themselves think only of themselves.  
• If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener.  To be interesting, be interested.  Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering.  Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.  

Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person's interests

Principle 6: Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely

• How? When? Where?  The answer is: All the time, everywhere.  
• The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in a subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.  

Part Three: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it

• Welcome the disagreement.  Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake.  
• Distrust your first instinctive impression, which is to be defensive.  Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction.  It may be you at your worst, not your best.  
• Control your temper.  
• Listen first.  Give your opponents a chance to talk.  Let them finish.  Do not resist, defend or debate.  Try to build bridges of understanding.  Don't build high barriers of misunderstanding.  
• Look for areas of agreement.  
• Be honest.  Apologize for your mistakes.  
• Promise to think over your opponents' ideas and study them carefully.  And mean it.  Your opponents may be right.  
• Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest.  Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends.  
• Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem.  

Principle 2: Show respect for the other person's opinions; never say, "you're wrong"

• Never begin by announcing "I am going to prove so-and-so to you."  That's tantamount to saying "I'm smarter than you are.  I'm going to tell you a thing or two and make you change your mind."  It arouses opposition and makes the listener want to battle with you before you even start.  
• If you are going to prove anything, don't let anybody know it.  Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel you are doing it.  
• You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong.  That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just and fair and open and broad-minded as you are.  It will make him want to admit that, he, too, may be wrong.  

Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically 

• There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one's errors.  It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.  
• When we are right, let's try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong - and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves - let's admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.  

Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way

• Scolding parents and domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don't want to change their minds.  They can't be forced or driven to agree with you or me.  But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly.  

Principle 5: Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately

• In talking with people, don't begin by discussing the things on which you differ.  Begin by emphasizing - and keep on emphasizing - the things on which you agree.  Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.  
• The more "Yeses" we can, at the very outset, induce, the more likely we are to succeed in capturing the attention for our ultimate proposal.  
• It doesn't pay to argue; it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things from the other person's viewpoint and try to get that person saying 'yes, yes'.  

Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking

• Let the other person talk themselves out.  They know more about their business and problems than you do.  Ask them questions and let them tell you a few things.  If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt.  But don't.  They won't pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression.  So listen patiently and with an open mind.  Be sincere about it.  Encourage them to express their ideas fully.  

Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers

• It is wiser to make suggestions and let the other person think about the conclusion, rather than trying to ram your opinions down the throats of other people.  

Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view

• Other people may be totally wrong, but they don't think so.  Don't condemn them.  Try to understand them.  Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.  
• If you say to yourself, "How would I feel,  how would I react if I were in his shoes?" you will save yourself time and irritation, for "by becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect."  

Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires

Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives

• All people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish  in their own estimation.  
• All of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good.  So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.  

Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas

• Merely stating a truth isn't enough.  The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic.  You have to use showmanship.  The movies do it.  Television does it.  And you will have to do it  if you want attention.  

Principle 12: Throw down a challenge

• The way to get things done is to stimulate competition, that is, the desire to excel.  
• That is what every successful person loves: the game.  The chance for self-expression.  The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win.  The desire for a feeling of importance.  

Part Four: Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation

Principle 2: Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly

• Calling attention to one's mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.  

Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

• Admitting one's own mistakes - even when one hasn't corrected them - can help convince somebody to change his behaviour.  

Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

• Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask.  People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.  

Principle 5: Let the other person save face

• Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.  

Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement; be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise"

• Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere - not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.  
• We all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it.  But nobody wants insincerity.  Nobody wants flattery.  

Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to

• If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.  

Principle 8: Use encouragement; make the fault seem easy to correct

• Be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an underdeveloped flair for it.  

Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

• Be sincere.  Don't promise anything that you cannot deliver.  Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.  
• Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.  
• Be empathetic.  Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.  
• Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.  
• Match those benefits to the other person's wants.  
• When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.  

'Paracosm', Arina

Rating: 6/10

Overall Thoughts

A book which highlights feelings of isolation, discrimination, and growing up being seen but not heard, 'Paracosm' is an honest, original and whimsical compilation of poetry and personal thoughts. 

Through her writing, the young poet beautifully describes her complex and heartfelt relationship with her surroundings and happenings of the world.  The beautiful visual art contained in the book is also something to admire and appreciate. 

***

After doing some research on the author, it was brought to my attention that the proceeds of sales from 'Paracosm' will be channeled to the Tun Suffian Foundation which awards scholarships to underprivileged high achievers in local and foreign universities.  The author has a wonderful cause to serve, so grab a copy of this book to show some support!

Favourites from 'Paracosm'

Crowns

Perhaps the crown I wear 

Is a little old fashioned. 

With withered silver leaves

And wilted gold lilies

There are no diamonds

Or rubies.  

While others wear

A crown of garnets

And jewels

Mine is an antique

Of ancient legend

With the stories of my ancestors

Now leaving me

To find my own story.  

Because I am the ink

On these pages

And the inspiration 

Of my own legend. 

......

Failure

Without failure, you are no hero.

......

Dignity

Let others admire your beauty

as you preserve your dignity.

......

The Descendants of Tradition

For who we are

The ungrateful offsprings

Of our deceitful ancestors

Are we condemned

To follow their traditions and ways?

A narrow river

Has a shallow floor

A deep ocean

Will offer wonders which you must explore.  

Because those you descend from the Sun

That does not make you a star

You choose your natural state

And be who you are.  

......

Listening Ear

I cannot talk to anyone

because no one wants to listen, 

nobody knows anything about me.  

......

Open Colours

Why do you see the surface

But not what is within

Your eyes are unfair judges

They are mirrors filled with sin

Dark colours displease them

Dark colours and strange religions

No cloud is the same shape

No garden has the same flowers

Yet they glow with beauty

They glow with pride

Beneath the skin

Same structures of bone 

No matter who tries to destroy you

Know

That you will never fight alone.  

......

Genesis

Manners make a man

But passion makes a woman.

......

Windows to the Soul

The eyes are windows to the soul

Showing expression

None would have known.  

They can be dark

They can be light

The dark to immortalise beauty

The light to soothe the soul of another.  

The cheeks, soft and white

Tinted rosy

Smooth gleaming light.  

The lips

To touch another's

Expressing eternal love

Red as blood

Curved like cupid's bow.  

Then the beauty curve

The frames the pearl teeth

A beautiful red curve

That is the finishing touch

Of every art.  

......

Fire and Flame

The sirens will tell their children

Of the legendary girl

Who was once not more than a slave

Now 

Her name is known by the world.  

She was enslaved by her own fate

Growing in the poverty of compassion

Lost in a labyrinth of trepidation.  

As her heart grew

So did her beauty

For her eyes were compasses

And her mind was the galaxies.  

Powers of ice and flame embraced her

She was the religion of the mountains

A leader of gold and silver.  

And all genuflected to her

As she walked with pride and elegance

A hero has come

They praised

And she need not be born

Of fire and flame.  

......

Unbearable

No one can feel how heavy my heart is, 

how each beat makes it more unbearable.  

......

Individual Deeds

Sometimes the world is saved by only one good heart, 

not a million strong arms.  

'Questions to Our Answers', Timothy Joshua

Rating: 8/10

Overall Thoughts

Overjoyed to have stumbled upon this beautiful book written by a talented Singaporean.  Definitely exceeded my expectations.  Perfect read on a rainy day with a cup of coffee/tea. 

FYI: Pretty sure I'm not the only reader who has noticed this, but there is a typo on page 150 of the book (and it's really bugging me).  

Favourites from 'Questions to Our Answers'

First

The day we first met each other, 

I couldn't help but feel

like it was intended, 

like we were destined, 

to collide

like waves must meet the shore, 

and rain must fall on the Earth - 

we could't help but fall

for each other, 

the day we first met.  

......

Knowing You

See, the difference lies in the fact

that some people think

they know you well enough

moments after you've just met, 

as if it was like the movies.  

But I've never stopped wishing

that I could know you better, 

the moment our eyes met.  

Instead of being a movie that ends, 

it is like an endless trilogy of books.  

I keep wanting to read more, 

page by page until the very end - 

knowing that books were always 

better than their movies, 

and so was knowing you.  

......

Fallen

I don't blame you for falling for someone else, 

I always knew that I wouldn't be enough, 

but I just never expected

that you could forget me so quickly.  

I had barely fallen for you, 

and you were gone

before I could even get back on my feet.  

......

Shooting Star

You are a shooting star.  

I saw you from afar,

cutting across my sky, 

a spectacle, 

blazing bright, 

in the darkness of the night.  

I made a wish, 

hopeful, 

that it could all be true; 

that I could soar alongside you, 

incandescent and alight in the sky.  

But you soon disappeared, 

as quickly as you came, 

as it became clear, 

that you were here, 

but barely here.  

I wasn't wishing, 

I was dreaming, 

and you, 

you, 

are miles and miles away; 

only a shooting star, 

only a hopeful wish.  

If only, you could stay.  

......

The Mathematician

If only we lived in a world without numbers, 

then I won't remember the number of times I've missed you, 

and I won't need to count the days till we meet again.  

Then perhaps, 

I could be your only one, 

the one holding your undivided attention, 

the one accompanying your countless memories.  

The only one you can''t subtract away

in a life filled with far too many numbers.  

......

Ocean Eyes

You drown because

you have always loved too deeply

without learning how to swim, 

and each wave, 

each wave goodbye, 

breaks you, 

as it breaks the shore.  

All that's left of you, 

are tears, 

and your pieces, 

as he leaves with the tide.  

......

Starlight

The light in your eyes

captures all the starlight in our universe.  

And so, I live within; 

an insignificant speck in your eyes.  

......

A Matter of Timing

Barely breathing, 

hardly thinking. 

rarely looking, 

clearly crying.  

I glance at my watch, 

car whizz, 

crowds shift, 

heart beats, 

hope fades, 

I am reaching, 

as you 

leave.  

......

Gravity

I cannot explain

this sense of deep attraction

towards you.  

It is some sort of uncontrollable force, 

inexplicably tying our destinies together.  

Like gravity, we fall towards one another.  

We fall, for one another.  

......

Your Name Here

Your name is a whisper, 

a slight yet painful echo in my ear, 

yet a screaming voice in my head, 

and a resonance of days past.  

It is but a dark secret between my lips, 

a cyanide pill twisted in the tongue, 

the poison I refuse to swallow, 

and yet I know, I must, 

for you, are not here, 

and your name is not mine to say.  

......

The Ring

"Why do you still wear that ring? He is gone." 

He is gone, but he is still here, 

wearing down my skin.  

He is still here, 

wearing the darkest rings on my eyes.  

So yes, I still wear this ring, 

because the truth is, 

what has been, 

will always be here.  

But I will remove it, 

someday, 

when I finally come full circle

and the darkest part of me

is ready to let go

the darkest part of me.  

......

First

It is never easy to understand someone like me.  

But in the end, I wish you would still try.  

I wish you would still try to read me, 

as if I were your first book.  

......

Mathematics

We are simultaneous equations, 

different, 

yet when put together, 

we equate to something more, 

something better than these variables life has given us.  

But the biggest question, 

is if all these Xs and Ys we add or subtract

can ever solve the problem

that we are never the same, 

and that, perhaps, 

we will never feel the same about each other.  

......

The Artist of My Heart

What is love?

I don't know.  I don't think I understand what love truly is, 

nor do I think that anybody can.  It comes in so many shapes

and sizes.  But I do know that somehow, you draw me in.  You

form the lines that shape my boundaries and knowledge of

love.  You define what love means to me, every single day, 

and you colour it with different shades - it brightens when 

you smile, and it darkens when you frown.  And each time, 

when I look into your eyes, I know I don't understand love

still, but I do know, that I am, in fact, deeply in love with you.  

For you, you are the artist of my heart.  

......

Concrete Walls

Though we sit here together

we sit divided

by invisible walls between us, 

as our hopes rebound against them.  

Nothing gets through, 

as I reach my hand out to you, 

I feel the coldness of cement.  

I can feel your walls, 

but I cannot enter.  

I can almost feel the dried tears in your eyes, 

amidst the broken gravels of your heart, 

but I cannot reach out to you.  

Your heart is now concrete.  

......

The Reason to Live

At the end of the day, you have worked so hard, but for

whom and for what?  You question yourself about exactly

what you have been fighting or living for.  You begin to 

hope that there would be someone who cares for you, but

the truth is that there may or may not be anyone.  The only

person you know is going to be there, is yourself.  Trust

yourself.  Love yourself.  And if you are ever so lucky to one

day find someone who loves you and cares for you as much 

at the end of the day, then my God are you blessed.  Hold

on tight, and never let go.  

You now have another reason to live.  

'O's Little Guide to Starting Over', The Editors of O, The Oprah Magazine

Rating: 5/10

Overall Thoughts

A compilation of inspirational short essays.  Perfect quick read for those who are breaking free, rising above and making their way forward.  This book doesn't actually provide guidelines or tips on starting over, rather the writers share their personal struggles and experience on starting back at square one. 

Just like the saying goes, "when one door closes another opens", this book serves as a reminder that what may feel like the end is often just the beginning.  Change is a challenge, but it can also be freeing and healing. 

Favourites From 'O's Little Guide to Starting Over'

Letting Go

• Check in with yourself: Does your life feel meaningful and on-purpose at this moment?  If the answer is yes, your energy is invested in living your best life.  But to the extent that you feel misery, your energy is asking to be reinvested.  Misery literally means "the feeling of being a miser."  If you're miserable, stop hoarding your life energy.  Make a choice, any choice.  If you're still miserable, you can choose again.  Eventually, you'll see that all misery is simply life asking you to trade your current course of action - or inaction - for something purposeful and true.  

Lost and Found

• With change, there is grief for what has been lost, but also opportunity - and the choice of how to see it.  Choose wonderful.  
• The primary difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that the successful people fail more.  If you see failure as a monster stalking you, or one that has already ruined your life, take another look.  That monster can become a benevolent teacher, opening your mind to successes you cannot now imagine.  
• The reality is, we are bound to fail.  By refusing to accept this, we only make things worse.  Conversely, if we own our failure openly, publicly, with genuine regret but absolutely no shame, we reap a harvest of forgiveness, trust, respect, and connection - the things we thought we'd get by succeeding.  

A New Day

• You write down each and every stressful thought, and then ask yourself four questions about it: (1) Is it true? (2) Can I absolutely know it's true? (3) How do I react when I believe this thought? (4) Who would I be without the thought?
• All the pain in the world is not going to take happiness and peace away from you.  If anybody can make you angry, you are the loser.  If anyone can steal your happiness, peace, away from you, you are the loser. 

Matters of the Heart

• Death is the ultimate destination, no matter which way I steer.  And I want to live my days worth dying for.  

Ends and Beginnings 

• Unexpected gifts are given when the heart stays open.  
• If you go out there knowing you're going to rock it, you will.  But if you go out there afraid you'll get hurt, you will.  
• However awful the storm of my disappointment, it's a response that belongs to me.  It's my heart, after all.  My territory, my kingdom.  And since I'm the only one with the authority to surrender it, I can also take it back.  The retraction is painful, of course, but it comes in handy when yearning for the wrong someone.  
• I have always held on so tight: to the loss, to the lover, to the love.  But now I saw that grasping - even of dearly held beliefs - causes us and others needless pain.  Everything is constantly flowing and changing.  Nothing and no one lasts.  The best gift we can give ourselves and those we love is to let them be part of the nature of things: the raging river, the growing child, the dying light.